I’ve never been good with words. I speak before I think, I curse, I use the same words over and over. Half the time I don’t have the words to express my emotions which is probably why I cry so damn much. I am fucking crazy. So when you suggested this blog I liked the idea but I wasn’t sure how it would go after the first few initial posts. The idea turned me on, it excited me knowing it was a place for you to read my thoughts, like a peek inside my head. I thought I wouldn’t enjoy it the way I do. I never thought it would feel like a release for me. A space to gather my thoughts, an outlet. It was for you, so how could it be about me? It was to please you. Another way to give us time together, when we couldn’t be together in the flesh. Even though it was for you, the selfish side of me relished in it, it sparked new ideas, new thoughts, new fantasies. Gave me something to be excited for. A project for my brain.
As I sit here in the grey t-shirt you left at my house, that no longer smells like you, it brings me closer to you. Kind of like this blog. If I close my eyes I can feel you under this shirt. Your skin next to mine, the way your chest rises as you breath. The smile you give me when you first see me. The look on your face when you tell me I am beautiful. The way you tasted the first time we kissed on that bench. The way you just get me, most the time better than I understand myself. Probably why you asked me to start this blog, knowing full well where it would lead.
You have the ability to drive me bat shit crazy, both in good ways and bad. But words can never explain how it feels. Words never seem right when I am trying to explain to you. Half the time I feel too sappy or obsessed. Only the way my mouth fits on you. That is the only way that feels right, the only way I can genuinely express my feelings towards you. When I watch you while you’re inside me, I know you feel the way I do. I read it in your actions, I can feel it on your skin. The way you react to my touch, how your body takes my kiss, how your hunger fuels me, your need for me makes me high. The way your body rises as you’re about to climax, the force in which you explode, the look of satisfaction on your face when I come off your cock. The need to have you deeper, harder, stronger. It’s like our souls are touching. It feels like more than just a fuck, it’s the connection. This connection that sends my orgasms through the roof. I feel like the house may fall down through the power of this climax.And for that I thank you, for shaking me, for making me wake up and not fear this connection.
You think I don’t listen to you, but I do. The problem is I over analyze the words you say, the sentences you string along. How you said it, when you said it, why you said it. Because I am not good with words, but you are. But then my analyzing leads us here….to silence. I’ve realized that I’ve been overanalyzing you for no reason. What you’ve said is what you mean. There is no hidden meaning. You are what you say you are. And I am the fool, whose been hurt too many times. But that isn’t your fault or doing. But I have mistakenly treated you like you would do it next. And for that I am sorry.
I have said things I shouldn’t have, I’ve made you feel frustrated and annoyed and I am here now, alone. Needing you. I know now that it’s me causing the problems. It’s me needing you so bad that I fuck everything up. I realized we were much happier in the beginning when I wasn’t on your case all the time and worrying about the next time I would see you. I know now that it was better when I didn’t stress about it, just took every second I could get and enjoyed it. And I blame myself for thinking I was being patient when I wasn’t. I don’t know how to control my need for you. And for that I am sorry.
I’ve heard people joke about good dick will make girls go mental. But mix that good dick with a wicked brain, independence, drive and determination and that girl has gone past mental. I joke but there is no excuse. I feel like you’ve made me grow in ways I didn’t even realize I needed to grow, and for that I thank you.
You once said my problem is that I need to know everything. I often think about that. I used to think that was a strong quality about my personality, the need to learn, to have information to be able to grow. I have realized it’s caused me a lot of harm in the past though, and I think it’s damaged the connection I had with you. My need to know is connected to my need to be in control. Something I am not with you. And honestly, for that I thank you.
So that brings me back to where I started. Even though this blog was for you, was created for your purposes, was sparked because of you.It has became about me. I know it will always be about you or for you in some small way. But it is now mine. My space, my place, my thoughts, my energy, mine. And for that I thank you….